the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
