I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
