While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
