One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
