Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
