genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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