Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
