my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
