Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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