apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
