I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
