Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
