it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
