got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
