Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
