i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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