there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
