Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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