So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
