There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
