his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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