I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
