I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
