Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
