I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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