I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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