I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
