3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
