Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
