shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
