It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
