I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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