Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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