How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
