I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
