Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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