Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't deserve a penis
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
