I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
