It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
