apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
