im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
