I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Come see our sink grown plant.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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