You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
