you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
