she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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