omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
