1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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