I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
