It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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