and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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