i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
