My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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