I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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