I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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