Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Drunk is not a location!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
