the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
