look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
