she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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